Blocking the Sidewalk

Your source for unbiased, uncensored, and unhinged travel advice.

Tired of travel sites that are “helpful” and “informative” and don’t insult people? We are, too. But unlike you, we got off our asses and did something about it. We decided to call this idea “Blocking the Sidewalk” as it’s the one activity that unites tourists of all cultures in every destination across the globe. Build a walkway in any city in the world and within hours a group of people will come and block the sidewalk while looking at a maps, read a restaurant review, or take a photo using a giant selfie stick.

What to Do in SF

Alcatraz

Alcatraz sells out, sometimes three weeks in advance. And when the tickets are gone, they’re gone. That makes America the only country where rich people can pay enough money to stay out of prison, but no amount of money will get them into one.

We don’t have to describe the Alcatraz experience, you know it’s cool, and you know you want to go. Think about exactly how much it would suck to not get to go. Seriously, your girlfriend wouldn’t let you or anyone she knows forget how much of a fool you were. Book early if you don’t want to be mocked until death do you part.

City Sightseeing 48 Hour Ticket

Sure, you could have a double decker bus shipped over from England, Buy a saw, cut off the top, research everything there is to know about San Francisco, and drive around stopping at every great place in the city. But that would cost you almost a million dollars, and what are you going to do with the bus when you're done?

Instead, buy a ticket from City Sightseeing and get that full million dollar experience at an astounding 99.994% savings off the cost of doing it yourself. You'll have two days to see everything in San Francisco. Ev. Er. Reee. Thing. Fisherman's Wharf. Golden Gate Bridge. Lombard Street, Golden Gate Park, Chinatown, Union Square, A Crazy Guy Pooping In A Storm Drain, North Beach. Get on and off the bus as often as you want. Do we really need to tell you more? Just click the link and buy the ticket.

Questionable Trivia--It wasn’t until the 1990’s that Double Decker Buses had locks and ignition keys. Before then, you merely had to know how to open the door from the outside and which button to push, and voila! Free bus!

SF Bay Cruise

Sharks. They’ll just eat ya. They’re soulless, unstoppable killing machines. That’s why you need a boat. Sharks can swim right up to a boat and if they don’t have a can opener, there’s no way they’ll get to you. We all know that the waters around San Francisco are shark infested. Go ahead and mock them from the deck of your bay cruise while you Circle Alcatraz, go under the Golden Gate Bridge, see Angel Island, Sausalito, and the amazing San Francisco skyline. Try this without the boat, and you’re hammerhead canapes. Don’t be cheap, just buy a ticket from us and save yourself a painful, bloody death.

Aquarium of the Bay

We all know taking the kids on vacation can be...challenging at best. “Mom, all my friends are touching an anemone!” or “Dad, Aiden is looking at pictures of Nudibranch again!”

First, before you stop texting and pull the car over to slap Aiden, you need to know that a nudibranch is just a fancy way to say “sea slug.” Second, know that the Aquarium of the Bay is a great place to get your fish on. From hypnotic jellyfish displays to a cool underwater tunnel where you’re on display for the sharks as much as the other way around, this is a great break from the hustle of Pier 39 and Fisherman’s Wharf.

Trivia: This place looks like a tourist attraction in a tourist location, but it’s secretly a non-profit organization funding research projects, habitat protection, and educational outreach. It’s like carrot cake--secretly better for you than you’d expect.

Pier 39

This attraction would be terrible if it weren’t for the Pier itself. Without the wood that separates the tourists from the chilly waters below, this would just be another tragic end to your vacation, like the time you went to the Nervous Grizzly Petting Zoo. It doesn’t matter when you visit the pier--evening, afternoon, or morning, having wood just makes your trip better. Better yet, buy the Pier 39 Attraction Pass and get five cool things for one low price: Aquarium of the Bay, a Bay Cruise, a Hop On Hop Off Downtown Loop, the 7D Experience, and a Mirror Maze. It’s a great deal, with a great deal to do.

Walt Disney Family Museum

You: Kids! We’re going on vacation!
Kids: Squeee!!!!
You: To… Walt...
Kids: Gasp!
You: Disney…
Kids: [Jonah’s mouth drops open and a wet spot begins to appear in Liam’s pants]
You: Family… Museum!!!!!!!!

Kids: [Jonah pushes your favorite vase off the coffee table and storms out while Liam slinks off to change pants, stuffing the wet ones far under his bed where he hopes you won’t find them right away.]

Maybe that IS a cruel thing to do to your kids, but that’s something for their therapist to work on 20 years from now. This is a great museum--with not just Disney art and history, but rotating exhibits and films. Really, we should have had you just at DIsney. You won’t regret it, just buy the ticket and see the museum. Unless you’re in the US military. Then don’t buy the ticket because you get in free with your valid ID.

Fisherman’s Wharf

Fisherman’s Wharf is like the Times Square of San Francisco--it’s great to see, but we don’t recommend you make it the focus of your visit. Check out the sign, check out the Boudin bakery, see if you can find the heirs to the dearly departed Bush Man. There are even a few hidden gems here--the Maritime Museum lets you explore old ships from top to bottom. The Buena Vista Cafe serves a mean, and most likely the original, Irish Coffee. And Musee Mechanique is stuffed with original working (yup, you can drop a quarter and actually play these games) arcade games dating back to the 1800’s.

California Academy of Sciences

Remember that time Neil de Grasse Tyson came and had dinner at your house and you talked for hours and hours about life and our planet? Oh, wait, that wasn’t you? Then do this instead. It’s a massive museum in Golden Gate Park featuring live critters, dead dinosaurs, aquariums and rainforests and simulated earthquakes.

The tickets we sell are for daytime entry, but occasionally this museum rocks out with evening adults only events with bars, live music and more. If you’ve always wanted to show your date the anaconda and not mean anything dirty by that--check out their event calendar, or buy our daytime tickets here.

San Francisco Zoo

Do you remember that repressed girl in nearly every 1980’s movie who seemed really geeky at first, but during a backlit montage scene she lets down her hair, takes off her glasses, unbuttons the top button on her blouse, and is suddenly smokin’ hot? The San Francisco Zoo is like that. Few people put “Alcatraz, Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman’s Wharf, and a goddamn Squirrel Monkey” on their SF Pintrest Page. It’s been a secretly awesome place to go for years. Well, we’re letting that secret out.

Revenge Trivia: You can adopt their animals. You don’t get to take them home with you--which is quite disappointing to those of us who wanted to strap roller skates and a rocket onto a giraffe and ride him home--but you do get a photo of your animal and a certificate of adoption so you can claim a penguin as a dependent on your taxes next year. Even better, you can gift an adoption. So go ahead. Send an adopted scorpion to someone you hate.

Golden Gate Helicopter Tour

What makes helicopters fly? Scientists really don’t know, but they think it has something to do with them being so odd looking that the ground just doesn’t want them anymore. And really, are you going to question the physics of some other fun SF activity before you do it? “Before I drink this, I demand to know how Newton’s Third Law affects my Irish Coffee.” Of course not.

The scariest likely outcome of taking this amazing helicopter tour is that you’ll end up questioning your religious faith. Seriously, what kind of god would give something as intensely annoying as seagulls the ability to fly around anytime they want and see the most amazing places from the air like the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz Island, AT&T Park, and the Marin Headlands? You’re stuck here on the ground--stuck here on the damn ground getting pooped on by these winged rats! If you tip the pilot really well, he might hover over a group of seagulls and let you get a little revenge.

Castro

To dispel a myth common among racist uncles and Facebook forwards, going to the Castro won’t make you gay. Homosexuality isn’t a contagious disease, you’re thinking of Athlete’s Foot or Italianism. But let’s also be upfront and also say that the Castro isn’t a zoo where you can go watch The Gays Brunching In Their Natural Habitat. Respect the fact that this is their place and their life, and just enjoy a beautiful old neighborhood with lots of cool fun shops, a historic theater which hosts sing alongs, great food, and a few hellacious hills. Check out Cliff’s Variety, The GLBT Museum, Hot Cookie, and if it’s nice, hoof over to Mission Dolores Park for some incredible views.

Haight

To dispel a myth common among racist uncles and Facebook forwards, going to the Haight won’t make you a pinko hippie. Free Love isn’t a contagious disease, you’re thinking of Chicken Pox or Catholicism. For 50 years, the Haight has attracted artists, musicians, stoners, and white kids with dreadlocks. and the first three groups have left an indelible mark on the place. The last group has just left a funny smell as they pass on the sidewalk. The best way to do the Haight is to come with a map of historic places, or take a walking tour. Tour guides are often long term residents who have had personal interactions with the historical figures who have passed through, from Janice Joplin to the Dead. So much of this history happened almost 50 years ago--you won’t have many more chances to hear about it firsthand.

Some insider advice: don’t try to drive to the Haight. Parking is turrible and traffic is more stopped up than the time your fraternity brother ate 12 pounds of cheese on a dare. Getting there on the bus is a bit of a pain from most parts of town, this might be a good time to learn how to use Lyft.

Where to Stay in SF

Did you ever wonder why some travel sites recommend hotels, as if they knew exactly what your budget is, your preference in neighborhoods, how you’ll get around, noise tolerances, loyalty programs, style choices, sleeping positions, and how likely it will be that you may need to dispose of a body? We don’t pretend to know any of that stuff and suggest you take all of those things in mind when researching the best place to stay on your own.

We do have a few generic opinions, though. SF is a tough city to get around, transport-wise. Consider the importance of how easily you can access the things you want to do when you choose a place to stay. In order of most to least desirable options, you’ll be better off choosing a hotel with easy access to...

  1. Walking
  2. BART
  3. MUNI “Regular” Streetcars (J,K,L,M,N lines)
  4. Historic Streetcars (F Line)
  5. Buses

Bringing a car in San Francisco is as useless as bringing your incontinent labradoodle along--you’re really limited on where you can go, how long you can stay, and where you can keep them, while everything takes longer, is more headache, and costs more than otherwise would.

When to visit

“San Francisco” and “Fog” are as synonymous with each other as “Vegan” and “Annoying.” While the fog is romantic and comforting at night as it swirls under streetlights, it is really a bit of a downer during the day. If you want to avoid that shit as much as possible, the best months to visit are April and October, when the marine layer is at its weakest. The Marine layer is the supply of clouds and fog used to stop people from LA from moving to San Francisco, and it’s paid for by city taxes. If you want to know what really causes the fog, read on for the boring scientific explanation. If you don’t care, spin your fidget for five minutes and come back when the grown ups are done talking.

The marine layer is caused by adiabatic warming of water vapors emanating from the Alaska Current. which reaches its apex offshore from the Farallons...OK, now that the non-intellectual people have stopped reading, we’re going to tell you about a few cool secrets in SF that we don’t really want them to know about. First is Lombard Street. It’s not what we say it is. The actual crookedest street in San Francisco is Vermont Street on Potrero Hill. Go abuse the hell out of your rental car and whip down this thing if you get a chance. Next is the Ferry Building It’s a gourmet strip mall, and it’s packed with tourists. We’ll give you the same advice we scream at the theater screen in every horror movie: Don’t Go In There! Find the authentic stuff, the street food, the experimental chefs, and every other creative talented foodie not backed by the money it takes to rent a space in the ferry building. Oh, and what really causes the Marine Layer? We don’t have any clue. Probably like sharks or something.

What To Wear

Do you want to look like a tourist? That’s great if you do, it helps locals know who to give hilariously bad advice to. (“Taxis will give you a discount if you sing to them!”) Tourists wear white tennis shoes, t shirts with the name of a different tourist destination or a sports team on them, and a fanny pack. Locals wear a plain t shirt with a hoodie and a windbreaker, a pair of Allbirds, and sometimes a fanny pack being worn ironically. Each of these items is carefully thought out and functional. SF is full of micro climates--the weather can be different on your left cheek than it is on your right. Layers of clothes help you cope with the wild weather swings. Comfortable shoes are important, you’ll do a lot of walking--but you don’t want to look like an out of place soccer dad. And since you’re not bringing your car everywhere, it’s necessary to have a backpack/messenger bag/fanny pack along to carry everything you’ll need throughout the day.

How do you wear a fanny pack in an ironic way? We really have no damn clue, so we’ll just tell a hipster joke instead. Why did the Canadian Hipster drown? He was into ice skating before it was cool.

Where to Eat in SF

There are far too many great places in SF to list, and we don’t know what the hell you’re hungry for.

Want a SushiRamenCronut? Yeah, that’ll be the Ferry Building where Market St meets the Embarcadero.

How about the best damn Chinese you’ve ever had? Hit up House of Nanking at 919 Kearny St between Chinatown and North Beach. Go early to beat the lines, and let the waiter order for you. He’ll ask a few questions about your preferences and come back with some amazing stuff.

Spending the day around Fisherman’s Wharf? This one is tricky--but luckily there is one great choice here--The Codmother Fish and Chips Food Truck. 496 Beach Street.

Want Italian food in North Beach? If you’re willing to part with some dough, hit up North Beach Restaurant.at 1512 Stockton. If you want great food a with a less upscale menu and prices, try Pizelle at 314 Columbus

Want to blow your Chipotle lovin’ mind? La Corneta. 2731 Mission St. Don’t tell your friends, you want to keep that secret to yourself. Send them instead to the equally delicious La Taqueria at 2889 Mission. That secret got out years ago.

Brenda’s French Soul Food is a little Louisiana, a little France, a little San Francisco, and a lot of popular. Go for breakfast. Get in line before they open. 652 Polk St.

The only restaurant on this list taking reservations is North Beach Restaurant. At all the others, it’s first come, first served seating.

Privacy Policy

Blockingthesidewalk does not track its users in any way. We don’t sell or buy your information. We don’t even care that you do that weird thing with your hair in the bathroom, or have a secret crush on that hottie down the hall. We do pass you through to other websites when you click a link and leave us like a divorced dad at the end of his weekend visitation. They may have different privacy policies than ours. You’ll have to ask them.

About Us

Blocking The Sidewalk is a project of The Giant Faceless Corporation. Our ultimate goal is to get a piece of every dollar you spend somehow, as well as compromising photos which we’ll then use for blackmail to get an even larger piece of each dollar you spend. Until we figure out how to convince you to send us those very photos we’ll use to assure your personal humiliation and self-destruction, we’ll settle for entertaining our guests, writing smartass stuff on the interwebs, and selling travel stuff.

Founded in the Year of Our Trump 2017, the company is backed by a CEO with over 30 years in the travel and tourism industry. He’s old and will probably be dead soon, at which time the company may get turned over to the Vice President of Laser Pointers, an orange cat named “Gary from Accounts Receivable.”

WTF? Is this real?

In a word, yes.

The things we write are meant to be humorous, and we find them amusing even if you don’t. But they’re also meant to be legitimate recommendations (most of them, anyway.)

We believe that way too many travel websites take themselves far too seriously. We’re way too ridiculous to be taken seriously, and maybe that’s just what the world needs. We promise to be different by not doing any of these things:

  1. Push you to buy whatever products pay us the best commission regardless if it’s shit or not. We also don’t accept free stuff in exchange for writing something nice about it.
  2. Pretending everything gets a five star review all the time. If something we suggest turns to crap, it’s gone. We want you to trust us with your daughters.
  3. Seeing you as money. We’re happy to hear from you, listen to your suggestions, ideas, funny reviews, and I don’t know, talk about parrots if that’s really what you want.
  4. Sell you out. We won’t smother you in relentless ads, retargeting, direct marketing, emails, tracking your every move on our site, or hanging out outside your window to see what you’re doing at this hour.
  5. Be one of those smug traveling jackasses who raves about the hottest new toothpaste truck to hit the scene in some neighborhood you’ve not heard of. We’ve been in travel long enough to know that the subculture who slurps that type of information up comprises about 5% of all travelers, yet makes up about 90% of all travel writers. The first time you go to Paris, are you going to trek out to Med D’Nowhierre to try a whole baked fish wrapped in artisanal cardboard? Nope, you’re going to see the friggin Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, and “The Loov”, then you’re going to eat dinner somewhere that you don’t have to compete with other diners in a poetry slam to earn the right to order.

Contact

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